Changework for Friends – Conflicts of Interest

A couple of days ago I received an email from a  Hypnosis Without Trance Home Study student who has been playing with hypnosis for 2 years and is just starting to get into changework.

Now, I know from the many correspondences I receive and conversations that I have that most people, when they first start out in changework, initially get their first ‘cases’ via their immediate social circle, and this makes sense because people you are close to are going to be the first to know about your developing skills and interest. Whilst it is great to have skills with which you may be able to help your friends and highly rewarding to be able to do so, sometimes it can throw up some unique ‘diplomatic’ considerations that need to be taken in addition to standard the considerations one may take in evaluating a changework case where there is no personal connection.

This particular case highlights this – I have re-written the message for brevity and confidentiality:

A girlfriend of a friend of mine has asked me for some changework help.

Together they are a really nice and good couple, they don’t fight too much and they really love each other, but recently she has told me that she has realised that she’s having problems with swinging moods. She has noticed that over the past 5 or 6 months she has been getting angry and annoyed for the most small and minimal mistakes my friend makes, which is something that never used to happen.

She has already been to see her family doctor, but nothing her doctor told her to do (vitamins and minerals etc.) has worked, so now she has asked me for help. Her formal request is for me to help her feel happy and safe whenever she’s with her boyfriend (my friend).

So I’d like to ask you:

How would you approach this?
Where would you start at?

The first thing I’d do is to let her know that I’m treating this with the needed seriousness, and that she can trust me, so I’ll do some introduction work to let her know how working with an hypnotist is.

Then I’ll proceed to see if there are some grudge, some hidden resentment that she don’t know or that she doesn’t realize being important.

If nothing comes out, I’d like to change her behaviour longterm, making her feel happy and safe when she’s with him, in any kind of situation.

Am I doing this wrong? What would you change?

Now, in replying to this I have only the briefest, ‘second hand’ case history to go on, so I am limited in the advice I can offer, but in reading the email there was one very clear ‘red flag’ that popped up for me – the issue of conflict of interest. My reply:

Theoretically, from the perspective of doing a thorough and ecological piece of changework, it sounds like you are moving along the right lines with looking for a “grudge or resentment”. The feelings she has will not be coming from nowhere, so, if you can uncover what they are ‘about’ (i.e. the meanings and connections that have been made ‘under the surface’ that are generating the ‘problem responses’) you will be in a good position to help her generate a solution. However…

This is not a regular changework situation: Be aware that whatever is uncovered may lead to something unexpected, like her deciding to leave her boyfriend (your friend!).

And I’m guessing that such an outcome might create a difficult situation for you with your friend! The issue here is one of conflict of interest – working in the girls best interests is not necessarily going to align with working in your friends best interests. With that in mind, you may prefer to take an option to play it safe.

A safer option might be to elicit everything about falling in love with your friend in the first place and amplify it, along with suggestions abut love finding it’s way around difficulties etc. Also ‘psychoactively’ eliciting and developing the outcome vividly and positively (I would use Clean Language for this). This kind of work is nice, simple and ‘feel good’ and totally aligns with the clients consciously expressed desired outcome…. but may well not be the most ‘ecological’ approach; serving only to bury the issue for a time without actually resolving the underlying tensions (although there is, of course, a chance they will resolve themselves).

So, to reiterate, the big issue here in my view is the potential conflict of interest – her interests, your interests, your friends interests and the interests of the various relationships (mainly those of you/your friend and your friend/his girlfriend) – this would be the thing I would most advise you to be aware of! Personally speaking, I would NOT take this case as I would feel I could not work congruently for both the best interests of my client and the best interests of my friend (and our friendship) at the same time.

If I did decide to take it on, I would go for the easy, outcome orientated feel-good approach and leave the underlying material alone.  HOWEVER I would be reluctant to frame this with the client as a serious piece of changework, and would more likely keep it informal, saying something like:

“well, lets have a little play around with this and see what kind of differences we can make”

That way, you are not committing to doing a ‘full job with only half the tools’ so to speak.

Hope that helps!

James

In doing changework, it is always important to consider the context. To do your best work, you need to be free to act in accordance with the best interests of the client in making lasting, ecological change. Personal situations are not the only context that can be problematic (regular clients often attempt to manipulate context by bringing certain frames to bear on the changework relationship, and this needs to be watched for), but I have found that when there is a personal connection, there is almost always extra considerations that have to be taken in doing the work.

The message is: personal and changework relationships do not always align well… so, be aware of this when working with friends and family!

This doesn’t mean not doing the work, only being aware and making good quality choices based upon that awareness!

Let your awareness help you in helping those around you!

Have a fantastic week!

James

P.S. If you are interested in HWT as it applies to Changework, please do check out Changework Applications!

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