I’m Sorry I Cheated… Can Covert Hypnosis Fix the Damage?

So I got a message from a guy who had had an affair and was looking for my help regarding how he could use covert hypnosis to fix the damage. Interesting question… and one that highlights a problem with the whole covert hypnosis thing. Covert means ‘sneaking around and trying not to get caught’ – this is WEAK! And is absolutely NOT going to serve anyone in really shaping a truly fulfilling and enriching life in any area. Anyhows, I digress. Let’s look at the message along with my input for this chap.

The reason I am contacting you:

1. I respect your work and love everything I’ve learn from you. Even though I’ve not applied any of it yet. Because I guess I’m afraid to fail.


2. I’m in a major pinch and need your help please!


I had an affair. I have screwed up the best thing in my life and caused so much pain. She cries everyday and brings things up ever second. She wants to give me a 2nd chance, but is killing me everyday.

“Note to all men from a man, it’s NOT worth cheating”

I NEED so badly to make her forget I ever had an affair and make her happy. I promise I will never cheat again. Seeing what I’ve put her through and the kids too.

Do you or anyone have anything covert I can do on her? To have her forget forever?

HELP Please this has been going on for about 4 months of her crying and bring it up everyday and asking why. I don’t want to lose her, but I’m losing my mind.

We attended a hypnosis comedy show about 12 years ago and she got hypnotized. But it has to be covertly done now. And I need for her to forget about the whole thing and the person I had the affair with.

Help please!

Now I’ve done a fair bit of powerful relationships coaching so have seen a lot of different relationship dynamics playing out. Also, from a personal perspective I really value building strong fulfilling relationships in all areas of life, not least my personal life! So from this position, here is my offering:

 

Forget hypnotising her to forget… it is highly unlikely to work.

There is so much I could recommend here… you really need to change your entire position.

Why does she cry and bring things up? Because it keeps you in a state of reactivity and gives her power (not in a conscious Machiavellian way, just in the way of a desperate person grabbing for what little control she feels she can have in an apparently desperate situation). So why would she stop? Her strategy is so effective at removing your power (thus keeping her ‘in control’ of you) that you are writing here in what seems like near panic! She OWNS you now… but to change this you need to take ownership of yourself.

However, this is a wretched situation for both of you – she’s not having a good time, you’re not having a good time… it’s wretched. So who is going to change it?

You need to take the lead here – balance out the power again and start shaping the relationship that you both want to have.

Start by getting some centredness and connection to your power. You are you… you will survive whatever happens. You need to know this in order to build a rich, loving and generative connection with her. Grow your strength and independence from the inside out. Start seeing yourself as a strong person in charge of your life (self-hypnosis?). This is necessary to build a strong relationship. Why? To quote Nathaniel Brandon here: “The union of two abysses does not produce a height.”

So become strong and clear enough in yourself to love her, be compassionate, and take responsibility for your actions. So by all means be sorry… but stop it with the contrition and reactive powerless position of being a victim – yes VICTIM – to her unconscious (and ultimately self-defeating) strategy of tears and sadness and endless ‘why’. (Ultimately, no answer you give will satisfy, so you need to stop playing the game – I’d go with “because I fucked up” and stick with that. No further explanation necessary.)

So you are re-connecting to your power here – telling her how important she is… but not from a place of pleading. Let her know that you want to be with her and create a strong and fulfilling relationship… because that is your choice – that is what you want – BUT that the relationship cannot be strong with all these tears and anxieties. This is counter intuitive, but…

You really need to be willing to walk away to make this work.

Not ‘threaten’ to walk away, just be willing to. Again this is about independence as the foundation for solid loving connection – if you are not willing to walk away, she owns you and can and will continue to emasculate you with her tears. She will keep you in the victim space and over time she will lose her respect for you because you have no power. And you will have no power to create and shape the fulfilling relationship you both desire.

I would also recommend a slight shift in focus here from her as a person, to the relationship that you and she are looking to create. So stop thinking about her, start thinking about the relationship and the qualities you want it to embody.

This is about you stepping up and becoming an owner of your power and a creator of your life. Decide how you want your relationship to be and take charge of shaping it. You cannot do this from a place of disempowerment (being victim to her tears and sadness).

Also – Stop promising her you won’t cheat! Promising is weak!

So your question here was about hypnosis – being a hypnotist is about connecting to your power, not trying to control things to compensate for your powerlessness! Recognise this and choose to connect with your power and learn to use it. And forget covert and be OVERT in your desire to create a stronger and more mutually fulfilling relationship.

Here are some bullets for this:

    • Connect to your power.
    • Get clear on the relationship you want to create.
    • Let her know that you want to build a strong relationship with her.
    • Connect with your independence – be willing to walk away rather than have a compromised relationship.
    • Be thoughtful and considerate rather than emotional.

Be patient… use your language and communication skills to steer the situation and create the mutually fulfilling relationship that you both desire. THAT is the smart way to use ‘hypnosis’ in this situation.

Best

James

ADDENDUM:

In the comments section for this post, Daniela has quite rightly pointed out:

“Her crying is real. This woman’s feelings are real. They are fueled by fear and how this man has been acting since the affair.”

This is a point worth emphasising, especially in contrast the more ‘masculocentric’ framing in the original piece! 🙂 To clarify…

When I am referring to the wife’s behaviour as a ‘strategy’ I am not saying that she doesn’t experience real emotion. The real emotion is part of the ‘strategy’! And NONE OF IT IS CONSCIOUS or driven by conscious intent. So the ‘strategy’ is of the unconscious and emergent type, rather than conscious and linear type we usually think of in relation to the term.

Experientially speaking, her emotions are real. The pain is real. AND it is part of a response set that serves to claw back some power in a shitty situation. So long as it continues to serve, her ‘system’ (the totality of her as a human sentient organism) will continue to perpetuate it, along with all the pain it creates for her.

So she/they need to find a better way. They need to break this deadlock and move beyond. To transcend this and build a stronger relationship out of it… And currently his reaction set is part of the system that is perpetuating the pain. He can’t control her (and neither should he try) so the power lies with him – adjusting his focus and taking ownership of his behaviour, communication and responses. He needs to step away from fear based reacting to a place of desire based creating. I sincerely believe this is what will serve both of them, the children and the family most fully.

 

P.S.

If you are looking for coaching from me around building powerful relationships or generally connecting to your own power to shape your life, you can find out more here: James Tripp Coaching.

About The Author

James Tripp

Hypnotist and Transformative Facilitator. Creator of Hypnosis Without Trance.

28 Comments

  • Gordon

    October 3, 2013

    Yes covert hypnosis might work, but only if she is the one using the covert hypnosis against him.

    Sorry (being flippant) but seriously this man needs to forget the whole covert hypnosis angle. I agree with your advice about his approach. His time would be better spent concentrating on NLP techniques when talking to her and he might get much better results. NLP is is not really covert, it is just a heightened awareness of the power of communication.

    • admin

      October 4, 2013

      He does indeed! ‘Covert hypnosis’ is never really a good substitute for clarity, centredness and creative desire coupled with powerful intelligent communication (which includes respecting the ‘hypnotic’ qualities of communication regardless of whether they are labelled as such).

      All the very best

      James

  • Daniela

    October 4, 2013

    Hmm… interesting. If covert hypnosis worked that easily, the world would be a very different place.

    Here is a little insight into the woman’s world for this man:
    Her crying is real. This woman’s feelings are real. They are fueled by fear and how this man has been acting since the affair. Wanting to make her forget means not fully accepting and acknowledging responsibility for what he did. Hypnosis would be just too easy, wouldn’t it? Yes, overall he is acting weak. And that is where her insecurities are confirmed again and again: he was weak before, hence the affair; he is weak now; therefore he will be weak again. This is why there are the constant questions, to which she already knows the answers, which she does not like or accept and can only respond to by crying. She is seeking different answers! Because no matter what the promises, she will not trust them. Not until he mans up! A grand gesture is needed. Not false gifts, not empty promises. Something big that she will understand and trust completely. The whole situation is out of control, for both of them. She is desperately pushing him to take control so that she can trust that he will be in control in the future. That is control of himself, control of the situation now – in a regal, sovereign kind of way. It is a test of his strength. He has to prove his worth to her.

    He wants to remain in this marriage, and so does she or she’d been gone by now. Being willing to walk away IMO is risky. I would say in this situation that might only feed the perception of weak. Rather he should be committed beyond the shadow of a doubt that he will be that man that she wants him to be, and also the man he really wants to be himself, while accepting that there are no guarantees… (was that perhaps what you meant, James?)

    Perhaps hypnosis can help him step up to the plate and also to be able to bear all that she feels she is not able to get through to him. It is important that she feels understood. This is not a head or logic thing for her. There are no bargains to be made. This is not a time thing. Not a matter of finding solutions. She NEEDS so badly to FEEL secure again. Then the crying will stop and healing can begin. Hypnosis will not, can not make her feel that. That is his job. That is where he has to man up. Then find a way together to establish trust again. From a place of strength and worth.

    Incidentally that just might be the greatest gift he could ever give to his children.

    • admin

      October 4, 2013

      Thanks Daniela… Excellent perspective – thank you for sharing!

      I am in agreement with you on pretty much all of that bar the willingness to walk away. The removal of that neediness IMO is the only way to move beyond fear and to connect with true desire to create and serve this relationship.

      To be clear, I’m not talking about threatening to leave, I am talking about a willingness to be egoically unattached. Without this, fear will rule – driving reactivity and disempowerment rather than allowing this man to connect with his authentic desire and creativity. He needs the latter in order to show up at his best and take ownership in transforming this situation for both of their sakes (and the children).

      And thanks again for taking the time to engage here and share your perspective!

      All the very best

      James

      P.S. when I am referring to her behaviour as a ‘strategy’ I am not saying that she doesn’t experience real emotion. The real emotion is part of the strategy! And NONE OF IT IS CONSCIOUS or driven by conscious intent. So the strategy is unconscious and emergent rather than conscious and linear. Experientially speaking, her emotions are real. The pain is real. But it is part of a response set that serves to claw back some power in a shitty situation. So long as it continues to serve, her system will continue to perpetuate it, along with all the pain it creates for her.

      She/they need to find a better way. They need to break this deadlock and move beyond. To transcend this and build a stronger relationship out of it… And currently his reaction set is part of the system that is perpetuating the pain. He can’t control her (and neither should he try) so the power lies with him – adjusting his focus and taking ownership of his behaviour, communication and responses. He needs to step away from fear based reacting to a place of desire based creating. I sincerely believe this is what will serve both of them, the children and the family most fully.

      J

  • Chins

    October 4, 2013

    Wow. Such an interesting post. Real life examples, yes please. James please keep making posts like these as I love reading them, thinking about them and responding. I don’t mean specifically ones about relationships, I just mean ones that seem to be so pertinent to real life. Sticking somebody’s hand to a table is one thing, but thinking about life the universe and everything (as you like to call it) is actually a lot more fascinating to me.

    By the way, this is a great frame James. But I do have questions. You talk here about being ‘powerful’. I know you like clean language – so what kind of ‘powerful’ is that? In all honesty, the idea of being ‘powerful’ scares me. Because I think that if you’re powerful, you end up having responsibility over people. To me, powerful = David Cameron or Barack Obama or Simon Cowell. That might sound crazy, but those are people I see as ‘powerful’ as they have a lot of influence over so many people. I know we are getting into different territory here James, but why would I want to be ‘powerful’ when I can be kind? Why focus on trying to have power (which can corrupt people and stop them thinking of others) when I can focus on kindness alone.

    Do you agree that when you meet somebody who is very kind, it doesn’t matter that they’re not powerful. I think this anyway. I would rather you’re nice to me James than you being some sort of influential man who changes the world around him.

    I’m scared when you tell me to become powerful, because I don’t want to be vicious or have that responsibility or be looked at in that way. I just want to be friendly.

    Interesting conversations we’re having here anyway James – I really do wonder what your response to this be, and look forward to it most definitely. I love how you get in touch with your readers here; you really are a fount of wisdom and it is great that you consider our ideas too.

    Keep this all up James please
    Chins

    • admin

      October 5, 2013

      Hi Chins

      “With great power comes great responsibility” – Spider Man.

      A lot of people fear connecting to their power, which is why they have none 🙂 And then get upset when they can’t make the differences they want to make in their lives.

      If you want to be able to shape your life (and that of your family) in meaningful and fulfilling ways (you want a nice life, money and great relationships, right?) you need to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY and connect with your power. Scary? He’ll yes! Rewarding? You bet!

      Are you willing to consider the possibility that you could connect to your power AND become a better, kinder person (and be empowered to do better kinder things)?

      Regarding “what kind of powerful” track back a few posts on the blog and you should find a video called ‘Having Powers Versus Being Powerful”. That should give a little more clarity on that.

      Best,

      James

      • Chins

        October 5, 2013

        Hi James. As always I love the way you see things. I have a feeling – as you must agree? – that this is by all means much easier said than done. PRACTICALLY, how can one connect with that power, and how does one know when they’ve achieved it? For example, what if I’m already powerful? Is it like a switch, I’m either powerful or I’m not? Is it like a scale, where I’m so powerful but could be a bit more? Can you reach the end of that scale where you’re completely powerful? How would you know how to stay there? Is the power an experience, or a feeling, or a perception from others, or a thought, or all of these? how does it manifest itself in the world and how do I, as a human being, know when it is manifesting itself in my own life. Naturally your response is a bit abstract – is it possible to give any more concrete examples of what it means to be powerful? Maybe even a blog post? :p

        You have answered a lot in your video ‘Having powers versus being powerful’. I understand what you are saying in it. I think it’s also a good distinction to make. But in this comment I am zooming in on being powerful specifically, and I hope we can explore this to some degree together.

        Best wishes James – you’re a very clever man. Can’t wait to see what you have to say. Thanks,
        Chins

        • admin

          October 14, 2013

          Thanks Chins.

          Though I sincerely do hope that I’m really not that clever. My desire here is to connect people to useful perspectives that come from curiosity, exploration, attention and choosing to engage with life and the work I do in particular ways. So the aim here is much more to share received wisdom and insights that may serve rather than any kind of ‘cleverness’ (which rarely serves except in the most superficial way).

          All the very best,

          James

  • Daniela

    October 5, 2013

    Chins, I am curious… how do you define power? And what makes you think that that somebody which is very kind is not powerful?

    • Chins

      October 5, 2013

      I am suggesting that people perceived to be powerful can lose a sense of kindness. But saying that, so can everybody, so to be fair I don’t believe that any more, after consideration. So I retract that.

    • Chins

      October 5, 2013

      How do I define power – good question. It comes and goes in each moment. In some situations one person could be inherently unpowerful because they have to ask somebody else and get permission before they are allowed to do something they want to do. If they don’t get that permission, they can’t do it, making them unpowerful. Whereas in another situation they could do what they want without having to ask, plus other people would be asking them whether they were allowed to do X or Y, and the person would be able to decide. That to me is power. Now James – what do you think of this definition? How useful or true would you consider this way of looking at it?

  • Anekant

    October 7, 2013

    Bottom line is that our relationships tend to be based on need rather than abundance. This is usually hidden behind a lot of flowery verbage that comes from the world of romantic love rather than reality. This will usually lead to limitations. Also our relationships tend to have a lot of conditioning from the church, the government and the media all of which lack true intelligence and wisdom. These three interlopers have their own unconscious and dysfunctional vested interests for spinning the yarn called true love. Added to this is the fact that we are put into an insidious life denying bind: we are expected on one level of operation to remain faithful and not to cheat(if you care to buy into this cheap phrase) and one the other hand our biology demands that we go out and spread the seed for the very important task of racial survival. dammed if we do dammed if we dont. We end up split pychologically emotionally and physically……given all this and much more its a miracle that anyone gets through unscathed…in fact they probably dont……….no wonder your client wants to revert to such subterfuge as covert hypnosis…and his partner manifests tears and lack of forgiveness or whatever it is ….good luck to them both they are deep in the heart of a zen koan……….yours anekant

    • Chins

      October 7, 2013

      amazing comment…

    • admin

      October 14, 2013

      “Relationships tend to be based on need rather than abundance”

      That is a very sentient point – to re-quote Nathaniel Brandon here: “The union of two abysses does not produce a height.”

      And there is a whole other conversation here around social conditioning/cultural hypnosis etc.

      Best,

      James

  • Sandy Scott

    October 7, 2013

    As a therapist using several modalities of treatment, hypnosis included, i have always held that the purpose of therapy was to help the indivdual connect with his/her own inner tools to heal themselves from within. This is the search for the highest aspect of the self, which the individual can then radiate out into the world to increase his/her own welbeing as well as that of the world in general rhrough the web of universal connectivity. The concept of mis-using any form of therapy to manipulate others is therefore unethical and totaly unaceptable. I suspect this poor ladies tears are a demonstration of her ongoing pain through the psychic abuse that lies at the root of the request. Is this gentleman ready for a relationship, or is he seeking her acquiesance as something to hide behind to avoid having to “man up”?

    • admin

      October 14, 2013

      I hear your message Sandy.

      It’s worth noting here, I think, that this guy was asking about ‘hypnosis’ rather than ‘hypnotherapy'(or any other kind of therapy).

      But that aside, trying to control and manipulate, regardless of the means, is rarely as effective as taking responsibility in creating outcomes that enrich all parties concerned.

      Best,

      James

  • Thomas

    October 7, 2013

    Being powerful to me is simply being able to accomplish your intent. Like most things in life that can have a dark side, but that is usually the price of all good things. Being powerful like being President doesn’t make one good or bad. What other adjectives one chooses to add to powerful is part of the connected responsibility, in my opinion.

    • admin

      October 14, 2013

      Agreed Thomas.

      I see being powerful most simply as “knowing clearly what you want and being willing to go foe it with 100% congruence”

      As to ‘good’ or ‘bad’… what was it Shakespeare said in Hamlet? 🙂

      Best,

      James

  • Hey James! Thanks for posting this & for your poignant remarks…..right on! I really don’t have anything to add. I have often shared some of the same things with others just with different verbiage. I really appreciated your clarity & your heart in the matter. Keep up the great work James! I wish I lived across the pond so I could meet you & enjoy further training.

    • admin

      October 14, 2013

      Thanks Anthony

      I am looking at ways right now of offering more to those who live over sees. Even if that is just in terms of more Youtube content!

      Best,

      James

  • Ted

    October 8, 2013

    Hi James, a bit late in the day and in the passage of the comments but in the case under discussion, although agreeing very deeply with your conclusions,I would suggest that, in answer to “Why ?”, using your phrase “I fucked up” would be like pouring petrol on the flames. “The Devil is in the detail” and the words we use in therapy MUST be appropriate and with an awareness of the effect of our words upon the recipient.

    • admin

      October 14, 2013

      I think we will 100% disagree there. I offer to you that these words ARE appropriate AND offered with acute awareness for their likely effect upon the recipient.

      In this instance, no explanation will sound like anything other than an excuse – an attempt to offload responsibility. ‘I fucked up’ is not a miracle cure, but it clearly communicates an acceptance of responsibility and demonstrates both awareness and regret (which in turn communicates much indirectly about what is valued). On some level she is likely to be thinking that she must be lacking some how for him to do this, which is going to hit her sense of security and self esteem even harder. Him clearly taking responsibility for his actions is the most compassionate and constructive thing that he can do here.

      Now, of course, the actual words are only a part of the total communication – all of the above is carried in the main by the non verbals. There are an almost infinite number of ways that can be said, saying it in a way that moves the recipient in the appropriate way is all part of what needs to happen

      Best,

      James

  • Chins

    October 15, 2013

    Hi James. You talk about centredness and saying what you want. I was just thinking, I don’t like drinking alcohol and I don’t like being asked to go ‘for drinks’. I feel like it is very hard to refuse sometimes. I was wondering if you had any tips. I know I have a natural right to say what I want and do what I want, BUT it IS important to maintain good relationships, as you know. So in sense I have a conflict of interests. Maintain good relationships = drink alcohol but I don’t like alcohol. I guess this ties into peer pressure and a conflict of importance between people?

  • Mark Powlett

    November 9, 2013

    I thought this was a great blog post. I have had similar inquiries from people who want to take a shortcut to fixing a problem they have created by attempting to change someone else’s mind. I think your help and advice was very wise and much more suited to the situation than what you were being asked to do.
    …and as you pointed out..it wouldn’t work anyway !

  • Jules

    December 12, 2013

    Love the post and your reply James. It brings clarity to what must be a very muddy and confusing situation for the people involved. I find the post interesting as it covers an area so many people find themselves in and is quite specific in both the problem and the hypnotist’s/counselling response, rather than a lot of the more generalised posts we read in various hypnosis blogs.

    • admin

      December 12, 2013

      Hi Jules

      I’m very glad that you appreciated it and got something from it… and appreciate going beyond standard ‘hypnosis as we know it!’

      Best,

      James

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